Me – BigT And AMC

Over Christmas, I found myself watching a cartoon with my daughter. This may not sound weird until I say my daughter is 24 years old. Again, to some, this may not sound that odd, but I would avoid such a situation because she usually watches some abominable crap. However, once I sat down, I just could not be bothered to get back up. After a few minutes, I was so glad I did.

 

You may ask yourself, what was this cartoon, and why did I enjoy it? The cartoon was The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse. My reasons for enjoying it will be strange to some, but hopefully, they will make sense to many in AMC who might read this and will hopefully go some way to explain who I am and why I attend AMC. Finally, it will explain why I am so proud to be a facilitator.

 

The BBC describes it as ‘a story of kindness, friendship, courage, and hope.’ Hopefully, this represents the experience for many who come through the door at AMC; I know it does for me. However, this is not how I experienced it; those elements were there, but there was far more to it.

As the title suggests, there are only four characters. I’m sorry, but there will be spoilers, and this would be hard to write without them. The first character you meet is a boy wandering in a snowy landscape; he stops, sits down, and a cake-obsessed mole burrows out of the snow.

In an earlier post about AMC, I described myself as a Lyrical Larcenist, a stealer of lyrics. These usually come from songs, but I will do much line-nicking in this post.

‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ asks the Mole.

‘Kind,’ replies the Boy.

‘Mmm… Nothing beats kindness. It sits quietly beyond all things.’ Replies the Mole.

 

The Mole accompanies the Boy to help him not be lost.

 

Whilst looking at their reflections in a river:

 

‘Isn’t it odd? We can only see our outsides, but nearly everything happens on the inside.’ The Boy remarks.

 

A fox then joins the story, and the boy and the mole rescue it despite how it reacts to them.

 

‘One of our greatest freedoms is how we react to things.’ The Mole.

 

After repaying his rescue, the fox tags along at a distance.

 

‘Maybe he’s lost too,’ says the boy.

‘Well, I think everyone feels a bit lost sometimes.’  Replies the Mole.

 

The Horse then joins the tale.

‘Doing nothing with friends is never doing nothing, is it?’ Asks the boy.

‘No.’ Replies the Mole.

 ,

The next bit struck home with me the most. It made me think that I am made up of all four characters and that their conversations are like the ones I have with myself. However, I am not always good at listening to myself when it’s positive, let alone anyone else. It is also what AMC provides to me and, hopefully, to others.

The Boy falls from the horse:

‘You fell. But I’ve got you.’ Says the Horse.

‘Sorry,’ says the boy.

‘It was an accident,’ replies the Mole.

‘It’s my fault I let go.’ The Boy says as he starts to cry. ‘Oh gosh, sorry, sorry.’

‘Ah, now. Tears fall for a reason. And they’re your strength, not weakness.’ Comforts the Mole.

‘I think you believe in me more than I do.’ Replies the Boy

‘You’ll catch up,’ says the Horse. Life is difficult. But you are loved.’

Then, when the Boy appears at his lowest, he notices in the distance what he thinks he has been looking for and has hope. So, they carry on their journey.

‘The Fox never really speaks,’ says the boy.

‘No,’ replies the Horse. ‘And it’s lovely he’s with us.’

‘To be honest… I often feel I’ve got nothing interesting to say.’ Replies the Fox from a distance.

‘Being honest is always interesting,’ the Horse tells him.

They take a few more steps, and the Boy asks:

‘What’s the bravest thing you’ve ever said?’

‘Help,’ replies the Horse. ‘Asking for help isn’t giving up. It’s refusing to give up.’

If a passage ever explained Andy’s Man Club better, I do not know what it is. You are not obliged to speak, but you will be listened to when you do. Your pain is your pain; it is not compared to others. Coming through that door, whether the first night or your hundredth night of attending, takes bravery beyond measure and is a sign that you have not given up and are asking for help.

It also reminds me of Winnie-The-Pooh; no matter how depressed Eeyore is, the other characters always include him in their adventures and check up on him.

Moments later, the Mole opens up:

‘Sometimes, I want to say I love you all, but I find it difficult.’

‘Do you,’ asks the Boy.

‘Yes, so I say something like, I’m glad we’re all here.’ Says the Mole.

‘Ok,’ says the boy.

‘I’m glad we’re all here,’ says the Mole.

‘We’re so glad you’re here too,’ says the Boy.

The group are then caught in a storm; the Horse comforts them by saying this:

‘When the big things feel out of control, focus on what you love, right under your nose.’

‘Oh, I like that,’ replies the Boy.

‘This storm will pass,’ continues the Horse.

Despite the storm ending, the Boy is still upset.

‘It feels like we’ve such a long way to go.’

‘I know, ‘says the Horse. ‘But look how far we’ve come.’

‘I just… don’t think I can do this… ‘Says the Boy.

‘You know… sometimes… your mind plays tricks on you. I can tell you you’re no good, that it’s all hopeless. But… I’ve discovered this… you are loved and important, and you bring to this world things that no one else can. So, hold on.’ The Fox replies.

I do not apologise for quoting so much of the film, as so much of it resonates with me and would resonate well with others. We should have these conversations with each other, and I should have them with myself. Most importantly, I should listen to these conversations and believe in myself more.

 

I have not included other meaningful dialogues here because you should all take 32 minutes to watch this, hopefully understand my meaning, and find your own. You may even take no sense from the film, but some songs mean so much to some people and are the most irritating earworms to others.

This is meant to be the new facilitator introducing himself, but I got carried away, so here’s (some of) BigT’s backstory.

I came to AMC because I needed help and understanding. I first attended in June 2024 after several months of procrastinating. I was not particularly nervous when I turned up! After much research, I knew I was coming to the right place. Turning up week after week has just proved that.

I had a breakdown in April 2023 when I quit a job working with kids in care. Previously and over lockdown, I worked in a care home with young people with autism and other complex needs. I found both jobs traumatic. Being messed around by a care company while working such a demanding job eventually broke me.

Apart from a couple of months working in a pub, I have not worked since this time because once broken, I continued to spiral. I had undoubtedly been depressed for years, but now I was suffering from debilitating anxiety. Attacks would take days to recover from. The thought of working would cause additional anxiety. The slightest task would also exhaust me for hours.

Before moving to Wales, I taught history for the best part of fifteen years. My first and second breakdowns occurred because of the stresses of these jobs., but I sought no help at these times, thinking I could power through it and just needed to man up.

Since attending AMC, I have been diagnosed with ADHD. I have had it all my life without knowing. At first, I felt profound relief that I now had a reason for many things that had happened in my life. It being undiagnosed for so long undoubtedly contributed to my depression and anxiety. However, just having the diagnosis has not ended the problems; it is a new beginning, and AMC will be an integral part of the process.

In the nearly two years since I stopped working, I have had few positives. Many of those that I have had are a result of AMC. I have made friends, been supported, and not been judged. The most significant positive has been being asked to be a facilitator. I am even sitting here in my new AMC hoody (I had my beanie on earlier while the heating was kicking in at home).

Cheers

BigT

PS I felt so deeply about this animation because I felt that I am a combination of all four characters and their conversations are the ones I do have in my own head.

2 thoughts on “Me – BigT And AMC”

  1. I too loved this animation, i found it enlightening and could relate to all 4 chracters.
    I had no idea of your struggles!
    I hope that AMC continues to help and support you.
    Very well written Big T
    Sharon xx

    Reply

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